Through the corner of my eye.....

...I saw him standing, naked, before his bedroom window.

He is my next door neighbor, I've met him only once.

Without hesitation he turned and faced me as I drove past his window in the early morning darkness.

Could he see me openly staring at him?

My thoughts immediately switched to sex, sex with him in particular. What I wouldn't have given for a ride on that long, hard, chiseled cock I was fantasizing about.

And the glass was half empty......

I'm working late tonight, I do most nights anymore. I don't want to go home. The sound of a pen clicking a few cubicles down has been driving me crazy for the past 5 minutes.

The bull pen is so empty these days..... Most of my coworkers have already found new employment, but a handful of us still remain. I look at them and wonder, at times, what will become of them. For 11 years I've worked with most of them, it's sad to see our final days have drawn close.

I still can't believe, even after all my company has been through, that they have made the decision to close down my plant.

I'm fairly certain I couldn't get more miserable.

Physically miserable with pregnancy related aches and pains, emotionally miserable at the thought that I shall soon be pregnant and jobless, miserable right to the core living a life that I don't want to live.

I feel alone.

The funny thing is, nobody notices. I smile my fake smile and spread my pretend cheer, I listen to others as they reveal their problems to me, I offer support even when I'm so overwhelmed I can barely breathe.

The Lure of a Pregnant Belly

I find it completely unnerving how people want to 'touch' my belly all the time.

By 'touch' I mean stand before me with both hands groping and feeling my belly for several moments in hopes of feeling movement of some kind.

All of this, I might add, without even one request for consent.

Thank God I have only 2 more months to go.

This morning I was approached by one of my fellow coworkers, a 350lb dufus who is not only completely unable to keep his pants around his waist but also unable to find a t-shirt to cover his ginormous belly.

Immediately he is inquiring about my health, telling me how pregnant women are the most beautiful creatures on earth.

If I could have, I would have completely disappeared from the face of the earth.

I smiled, thanked him for the compliment, and tried my best to escape to my desk.

Just the thought of him laying a finger on me is enough to give me nightmares for the rest of my life.

I'm Back

Because I have used this blog as an outlet to my thoughts, fears, and experiences, I feel as thought I need to once again utilize my one and only means of unburdening my soul.

I am now 7 months pregnant, and completely miserable. I carry the secret of my child's birth father with me, and probably will for the rest of my life. I am unable to, make that unwilling to contact him, for any reason, a fact that has probably made the birth fathers life increasingly easy.

Unfortunately it has made my life a complete misery. With the identity of my child's father a complete mystery to everyone, it has become an unending quest for anyone who knows me to unconsciously pull any form of information that may lead to an answer from me.

I have become quite ingenioius with my responses, I must say. To date, my best response came last week. One of my good friends, a flaming gay engineer who I work with, and I were chatting with the receptionist in the front office when she asked me, quite bluntly, who the father was.

"Why, it's D, here, didn't you hear?" I replied, placing my head on his shoulder. The look on her face was priceless, but, I must say, the look on D's face was even better.

Odd as it is to say, I have grown to respect my friendship with J. While he and I had only the brief fling, he has remained my friend through this all. Emailing me regularly to ask me about 'his critter', I know he feels genuine concern, something nobody else does. I do find it odd, however, that he always refers to my child as his own.

Perhaps he wishes it could be......

Alas the cards were not stacked in that direction. A harlott I can be, but I would not break up anothers marriage for my own sake. If J were to become single, once again, I would entertain the thought. As long as he is married, however, I must stay hands off, I respect our friendship much to much to cause such pain and turmoil.

I do not hear from R at all anymore. It is my own doing, that I know. I pushed him away, and, away he went. I sometimes wonder just how things would have turned out had I went to Atlana with him, when he had asked me.

I try my best not to dwell.

But it's so hard, I think of him often.

I think of R when I'm sitting at home, wondering why in the heck, as I watch my husband, did I take my husband back? I am miserable with him, yet I allowed him back into my life.

Was I scared?

Was I lonely?

I can't explain it.

I do know he needs me more then I will ever need him. He clings to me, I feel, because I am strong. He feeds on my strength.

Our sex life is non existant, I am aware that I will undoubtedly find a new playmate once this child has been born.

This time, I will be much more aware of what I'm doing.