Sunday, October 17, 2010

He's Baaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Damn the greeting card companies for creating fakes holidays! Sweetest day?? What the hell is sweetest day??

Imagine my surprise as I pull into my drive way and find Tom sitting on the bottom step of my stair well with a pizza and several cans of pop.

WTF??

I had no idea what to do. I was obligated to invite him up, there was no way around it. Cursing myself for not just dumping him via email, I was certain the cold shoulder treatment would be sufficient enough to ditch him after the other day.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

How could someone so handsome and charismatic be so disgusting? I'm still baffled by it all. We munched on the pizza and watched 'The Lovely Bones' for a while, small talking and getting to know each other a little better.

The weird thing is, I still kind of like this guy. I just wish he could ditch the gastrointestinal problems.

Holy shit.... And I mean that in the most literal sense.

I had the most amazing sex with him last night. The farting problem, a distant memory. I was actually kind of glad I invited him to sleep over......

Until a few moments ago.

I don't think my bathroom is ever going to be the same again. He was trying not to wake me, but I was wide awake, laying there, pretending to sleep. Tiptoeing into my bathroom, he turned on the light and closed the door part way.

For the life of me, I can't imagine why he didn't CLOSE it ALL the way.... I heard sounds I've never heard come from a man. I may never be the same again.

Friday, October 15, 2010

I am disgusted.

Is a girl considered slutty if she has several boyfriends?

One thing is certain, however, I will not be seeing Tom again.

Tom was a charismatic and handsome 58 year old man. He ran several times a week and was divorced for close to 2 years. Unfortunately for me, it took a second date to reveal some of his pitfalls.

We had talked and emailed several times, and met for dinner once, previous to this date. Nothing at all sexual had happened between us previous to last night.

Had I known what was about to happen last night, I probably wouldn't have fucked him last night either.

You would think his revealing several failed marriages would have deterred me, but it didn't. In my mind I thought, hey, it's not like I want to marry this guy. I don't even want to live with him. I just like the way I feel when I am around him. He treats me like a queen.

You would think the way he started to council me on divorce would turn me off, but that didn't either. (What am I? An idiot?) Instead I glazed over the conversation with apparent lack of interest and continued watching the movie in the darkness of the theater.

It wasn't until I invited him back to my apartment, for the first time I might add, that I really understood why he was still single and had all those failed marriages.

He farts constantly.

At first, I was completely horrified. There I was, laying naked, spread eagle across my bed while he licked and suckled my clit, and he lets one rip. Thinking to myself, I couldn't possibly have heard what I heard, I tried to push it out of my mind as he slowly slipped his finger into my ass. Then he really let go, and a series of short bursts followed by a 30 second marathon fart stunned me into complete silence. Noticing my horror, he half-heartedly and without any shred of shame fleetingly mumbles "sorry" and continues sliding a finger in my ass and licking my clit.

Every ounce of me to the very core of my being was screaming, "OH MY GOD, GET HIM THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!!"

I didn't know what to do. Pretend it doesn't bother me? Tell him to stop?? Try like hell to get him the hell out of my apartment???

By now it was too late... He was naked with a raging hard on licking my ass and pinching my nipples. I just went with it, and let him continue on with the fart marathon.

I have never experienced anything like it in my life.

With my fingers crossed, I hoped he would decide to go home when it was all said and done, but that was not the case. I was destined to spend the night sleeping under the same blankets with this men.

That will be the only night I ever spend with this guy.

I wish I could say that was the last of the story, but I would be sorely mistaken. I was awoken this morning by the sound of his ass cheeks vibrating against my legs as he let one last goddamn fart go right in my lap.

Can a guy be turned on by that?

I am just now connecting all the ass play with his 'problem'. He licked my ass. He fucked me in the ass this morning after I rolled away from him in horror.

Is he into scat??

I can honestly say, I am into a lot of things, but this just totally disgusted me on so many levels. Tom and I will never happen again.