Playing with Fire

I have lost my mind, God help me, I can't imagine what I'm thinking!

I have been in contact with T for a couple of weeks now. It all started when we accidentally seen each other outside his office.

Last summer I decided to get a new car, something good on gas, something with a low payment because, as we all know, I lost my job in November. The only thing is, I know very little about it, still, even after 6 months of driving it, and end up 'discovering' a little perk to the car when I least expect it.

So, there I was, sitting outside the Social Security office trying to fenagle a diaper bag, a purse, a portfolio containing identification information to allow me to apply for my daughter's social security card, and a baby carrier when I accidentally hit the door lock button on the key chain. Not realizing the button had been pushed, I tried to open the driver's side door one more time to grasp a paper from the front seat.

Instant chaos.

Apparently the car is equipped with an anti theft device of some sort and when I tried to open the door the horn started blowing LOUDLY.

I had no idea what to do next. With my arms full I fumbled around with the key chain and ended up dropping it on the ground along with the portfolio containing all my documents. By now my daughter had started crying and I was about to cry myself when I felt a hand tap my shoulder and turned to find T handing me my car keys.

"Oh my God, what are you doing here?" I looked down at the baby carrier, my mind went completely blank.

"That's my office over there," he said, pointing across the street. "I got a promotion, I'm now working with outpatient services." His eyes had now averted down to the baby carrier. "I've been watching you for the past couple of minutes.... Is that her?"

"Yes." I could barely hear myself, my only instinct was to flee. Somehow I managed to get the car horn to stop and collect myself enough to think clearly again.

"[woman with a secret], I was scared. I didn't know what to do..... I haven't been able to get you off my mind. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw you over here." He seemed so genuine, he was still staring at the tiny pink bundle in the baby carrier.

"I was scared too. I think it may be hard for you, but imagine how I feel. She is going to be with me for the rest of my life, I can't just turn my back and imagine she doesn't exist." T's eyes were beginning to tear. Remorse was beginning to set in on my part.

"I'm so sorry [woman with a secret]. I would give anything to see her," he was pleading with his eyes now, his brow creased.

Carefully pulling the blanket aside, I allowed him to see her tiny little face, asleep with her right hand next to her face.

"Oh my God she's beautiful. I can't believe how beautiful she is...." he stared at her, knelt down before her, for the longest time.

I have been in contact with T ever since. While that has been the only time I've actually seen him, we have talked nearly every day.

I know this is the last thing on earth I should be doing, but, God help me, I can't stop myself.