I feel like you have opened a door letting in fresh air.

-Amelia


Truer words could not have been spoken. It's amazing, really, the way I feel today. I feel as though a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders, a weight that I had been carrying for far to long, a weight I had no idea I was even bearing.

I also promise to begin posting regularly again, I miss it. My blog is the one place where I can be me, I can express the things I can't normally express, a place where I can state my thoughts and express my desires, document my experiences and revisit them with fond memories.

One of the many things I decided to do after my husband left was to remove the personal things related to him. Anyone who has lived in a situation such as I had been knows there are certain articles of clothing you wore only for your husband, and certain articles of clothing you wore for your lover. I do not want for you to think I did any of that out of anger, because, I really didn't. Everything is packed away in nice neat storage boxes, I have still not decided exactly what I intend on doing with everything. I have done this because I want for things to be right. I have gone so far as to pack up the bedding that was on my bed, new experiences require new beginnings. You can't have a new beginning with something that contains memories of another man.

Last night marks the first time R has ever entered my bedroom, let alone, spent the night in my home. His nervousness was like an aphrodisiac to me, to say I was turned on by it is quite the understatement.

I lay in R's arms with my head on his chest, my arm nestled around his waist. So comfortable, so warm, his hand on my shoulder slowly rubbing my skin, every moment we had together has been permanently fused into my memory, the first night we were together on the up and up. Nervousness and excitement on my part kept me awake most of the night, R kept me awake the rest of the night. And I loved every second of it.

The most amazing part was waking this morning with his arms still about me, holding me tight.

So Many Things

So many things have happened since my last post. It would take me forever and a day to document them all.

I was given a choice and I chose R. As hard as it is to say, it wasn't as hard a decision to make as I thought it would be.

When I thought about my husband, I thought about how much we had been through together, and how our lives had changed. I thought about how I was in the recovery room after I had my youngest son, all alone, while my husband and my older son and my mother-in-law all went out for breakfast. I had been devastated that he didn't stay with me, to see that my blood pressure had returned to normal, to see that I was recovering from the surgery ok. I cried, the nurses told me it was post partum depression. It was definitely depression, but it had nothing to do with anything 'post partum'.

When I thought about R, I thought about the soup incident. I was so touched by that one tiny little gesture, it will forever remain in my heart. I thought about every time he made me smile and how he would smile in return. I thought about the time he told me he loved me, and how I had freaked out. I freaked out because I loved him too. In the end, the decision was simple.

I could live without my husband, I could not live without R.

As for R, I had to finally tell him about the mess I was in. Several days had gone by and I had not spoken a word to him, he was beside himself with worry. When he stopped by my office and found that I hadn't been to work in two days he came out to my house.

My husband had already packed up a few things and left to stay at an apartment he had rented. My decision had already been made.

I explained to R what had happened between sobs. I also explained to him the choice I had made, and why I made it. He hugged me, kissed my forehead, and asked me why I hadn't come to him.

Looking back now, I'm glad I didn't. If I had, I would forever wonder if I had made the decision based on my own true feelings.

A twisted life we live

Last night we discussed divorce, this morning we fucked for 2 hours.

I just don't get it. Maybe it's jut me. Everything just seems so out of control, have I ever mentioned how much of a control freak I am? Not so much in a bad way, just, an organized way. When something doesn't go according to plan, I'm out of sorts.

I'm so out of sorts right now, I don't like it at all.

I awoke this morning to the sight of him staring down at me, watching me sleep. For a long moment, I stared back at him, wondering. Finally, I pulled my gaze to the nightstand, checking the time, the kids would be up soon.

His lips brushed my cheek on their way to my neck, his hand brushing the hair from my eyes.

Even after everything that has happened I still wanted him.

He was naked, laying next to me, his hand traveling up my leg between my thighs. When his mouth found my nipple I parted my legs for him, he quickly took his place between them, within me.

The headboard rhythmically thumped the wall as the bed springs squeaked beneath us, only occasionally was I aware of them, hoping the kids would not hear and wake up.

I tasted the salt on his skin with my tongue as I kissed it, dripping wet from the sweat of fucking me like there was no tomorrow.

On my third orgasm there was a knock at the door, our 11 year old son, asking if we were awake. I tried to answer, my voice was gone. Pulling his lips from my ear, with an exhausted voice, my husband answered. 'We're sleeping in this morning, we'll be up in a while.'

What happens when you are no longer desired?

You end up like me.

We talked last night, for a long time, we talked. Oddly, I feel as though a weight has been lifted from my shoulders even though I am 100% uncertain about my future.

As with most people, I have matured and mellowed over time. Gone are the days where I would party late into the night, stumbling home drunk, throwing up for an hour, sleeping for three, then heading off to work. Those were the days when I barely ate, when I desperately depended on my husband, when I was clueless to life.

Unfortunately, that is the woman my husband wants, and loves, not the woman I have become. How very odd it is for me to sit here and think about, I'm so much better now then I was then. I was 50lbs thinner then, a very unhealthy lifestyle was taking it's toll on me.

But, those are the days he misses. Those are the days when I was 'fun'.

I'm glad I know the truth, and that he was honest with me. I was honest with him too. I told him about R.

Life

Growing apart, one of the worst things that happens to a couple.

My husband woke me up last night to tell me he wasn't in love with me anymore, that he felt like a prisoner in our marriage. I lay there, watching him, his nervous hands raking through his hair, his inability to look me in the eye as he spoke. I didn't say anything. I rarely ever argue with him, it's just not in my nature.

This has been a long time coming, though. I'm sure you've all seen it as well. I am hurt because I have tried so hard in the past to please him, but nothing was ever enough. I know I have been so attracted to R because, to R, I am perfect.

When he did look at me, my eyes were filled with tears, then his filled with tears as well. I agreed with him. For the first time ever I told him I was miserable.

Then I told him I didn't hate him.

I'm scared now. I don't like what I'm feeling, apprehension, fear, the unknown. The kids have gone to their grandmother's house for the evening so we can talk. I'm so afraid.

Since the age of 19 I've been with my husband, basically my entire adult life.

An Afternoon of Fun

R especially appreciated my apparel yesterday. My arms are extremely sore today, however. Next time, I'll be sure to stretch out those muscles before hand.

Sitting upright, my arms hooked over the back seat of my Durango, my legs around R's waist, his arms about my waist, God it felt good to feel him thrusting inside me, to feel his hot breath against my neck, to feel his moist lips against my skin.

That's the one truly wonderful thing about being without panties, you can fuck without removing a single article of clothing.

Just for him....

I wore my black suede skirt that is a touch too tight.

I wore my sheerest white blouse with the gold buttons.

I did not wear a bra, only a camisol.

I am wearing only thigh high stockings, no panties.

I didn't wear a warm coat today.

So he could see my firm nipples beneath the thin fabric of my blouse.

.....Continued

His arms were about me immediately, grasping, pulling me to him. Placing both hands on my back side, he thrust his hardening cock into the soft flesh between my thighs. Wrapping both arms around his neck, a soft moan escaped as I grew weak in the knees, weak from lust for him.

"Let's lay down baby," he crooned, moving to the nearby couch. With his hands on my hips, he sat down, pulling me with him, my legs straddling his lap, the thin silky panties teasing my pussy as I rubbed his swollen cock.

"I need more..." I moaned, his arms tightening around me even more. In one move I was flat on my back, my legs around him. Leaning back on his knees, he rubbed his hand up and down the material of my panties, using one finger to apply just enough pressure to set me over the edge.

"That's it baby, I love it when you get wet like that, cum for me baby," slipping his hand beneath the panties, within the folds of my skin. My legs tightening around his touch, wanting and needing release. Reaching down, I place my hand upon his, cumming almost instantly, moaning out his name.

And this was only the beginning.

Come see me

For the first time since the funeral I ventured out today, it was nice to be out and about again. My husband has been irritated with me lately, he doesn't understand the entire world doesn't revolve around his wants, needs, and expectations. Sometimes the rest of us have sad times, sometimes the rest of us need the world to revolve around us too.

The phone rang as I lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling, contemplating for probably the millionth time what in the heck I was doing with my life. Assuming it was my husband, I picked the receiver up and said only one word, "What?" He and I had gotten into an argument just before he and the kids left the house, the last thing in the world I wanted was to argue more about the pile of dirty laundry sitting in the middle of the floor in the laundry room.

"I miss you girl, when in the hell are you going to get out of that God damn bed join the living again?" it was R. He sounded so calm and soothing, I started to cry immediately, I hadn't spoken to him since the day of the funeral.

"I...", sob, "I.... can I come over?" I needed to be with him, I wanted to be with him.

"Yes, baby, you can come over anytime you feel like it," with tears streaming down my cheeks, I smiled, and sniffed back sobs, and told him I would be right over.

1 hour later I arrived on R's doorstep, not looking my absolute best, but I was feeling a million times better. My hair was a little damp yet from the shower, and my eyes were puffy and red, but all I really wanted was to have R's arms wrapped about me, to have him whisper in my ear that things were going to be ok.

And, that's exactly what he did.

That small act of kindness ignited the passions within me, I wanted him more than anything in the entire world, and I wanted him now. Leaning my head back, staring directly into his eyes, I kissed his lips and asked him to make love to me. Sliding my hands down his chest, I rubbed my palms across his nipples, using my fingertips to tease them through his shirt.

Pulling away from his firm grip, I slid my t-shirt over my head, dropping it to the floor. Placing one hand on R's chest, I leaned up and kissed him again, then removed my jeans as well.

To be continued.....

I'll be back

Just taking a little breather, a time to reflect on life, and death.

I've mentioned her before, the elderly lady I worked with, the one who reminded me so much of my grandma.

Just this week she passed away, it has been very difficult for me, probably just as difficult as when my own grandmother passed away. I did know it was only a matter of time, I had been visiting with her at the hospital for the past couple of weeks. Cancer. One month ago she was running around the office giving everyone hell, 1 week ago she was on life support clinging to what remained of her life, 1 day ago she died.

I just need a few days to get my perspective back.

Need

The thin fabric of my skirt fell away exposing most of my inner thighs. I made no moves to cover myself, I was his to see. Veering slightly toward the side of the road, his attention distracted, I turned and smiled at him.

Slowly crossing my legs, I lean over and placed my palm on the inside of his thigh. His cock was already swelling, the material growing taught in my grasp. Teasing, I whispered in his ear, telling him how much I had missed him, how much I needed him.

Slowing to a stop at the edge of the road, he leans in and kisses me, passionately. Hands roughly groping me, pulling me, caressing me. I want him so badly I can't help myself.

"Oh, God, I can't wait any longer...." I manage to say between kisses. Parting my legs for him, his hand slides between them and rubs my pussy.

"Take your panties off baby," pushing me against the seat, the weight of his body pressing between my legs, the warmth of his lips against my neck.

Moaning with wanton need, I do exactly as he says.

I Love Shoes

I guess you could say I'm a typical woman, always on the look out for the perfect pair of shoes.

I picked these little gems up today, love at first sight. The deep rich color, the soft velvety texture, the skinny heel, the pointy toe, they beckoned my name from across the store.

I'm consumed with anticipation, I can't wait to wear these beauties to work Monday. So sexy.... 

Has R met my family?

The Bored University Student has asked an excellent question of me, one which I have decided to create a post for.

Yes, in fact, R has met my husband and seen my children on more then one occasion. Not every incident was as awkward as the first.

The first time R bumped into me in public, family in tow, was in the very beginning of the affair. R had not yet met my husband, nor did he know exactly how moody he can sometimes become.

My husband was angry at me for some reason, poking my shoulder with his finger, griping in my ear while I pushed my little guy down an isle in Wal Mart. I had been zoning him out, concentrating on my little guy and how happy he looked when my oldest son had caught my attention by asking me 'why is that guy staring at us'? Lifting my eyes from the baby, I glanced down the isle to see R standing there, holding a box of trash bags with a strange look on his face.

He took a few steps toward us, then turned as if to walk away. I secretly hoped he would put as much distance as possible between us, but he turned again, this time walking straight toward me.

Placing his hand out before him, R introduced himself to my husband and shook his hand. He told my husband he was glad to meet him, that he and I had been working on a merger for a few weeks. I stood there in silence, I had no idea what to do or say. I was absolutely unprepared. The two of them chit chatted for a few minutes about the weather and the football game, then R was off.

"[R] seems like a decent guy," my husband commented. Relief washed over me.

It was much later that R confessed he had watched as my husband 'ragged on me' for several minutes trying to decide if he should step in or not. He had felt bad for me and wanted to see his tirade come to an end, only he didn't quite know what to do.