So Many Things

So many things have happened since my last post. It would take me forever and a day to document them all.

I was given a choice and I chose R. As hard as it is to say, it wasn't as hard a decision to make as I thought it would be.

When I thought about my husband, I thought about how much we had been through together, and how our lives had changed. I thought about how I was in the recovery room after I had my youngest son, all alone, while my husband and my older son and my mother-in-law all went out for breakfast. I had been devastated that he didn't stay with me, to see that my blood pressure had returned to normal, to see that I was recovering from the surgery ok. I cried, the nurses told me it was post partum depression. It was definitely depression, but it had nothing to do with anything 'post partum'.

When I thought about R, I thought about the soup incident. I was so touched by that one tiny little gesture, it will forever remain in my heart. I thought about every time he made me smile and how he would smile in return. I thought about the time he told me he loved me, and how I had freaked out. I freaked out because I loved him too. In the end, the decision was simple.

I could live without my husband, I could not live without R.

As for R, I had to finally tell him about the mess I was in. Several days had gone by and I had not spoken a word to him, he was beside himself with worry. When he stopped by my office and found that I hadn't been to work in two days he came out to my house.

My husband had already packed up a few things and left to stay at an apartment he had rented. My decision had already been made.

I explained to R what had happened between sobs. I also explained to him the choice I had made, and why I made it. He hugged me, kissed my forehead, and asked me why I hadn't come to him.

Looking back now, I'm glad I didn't. If I had, I would forever wonder if I had made the decision based on my own true feelings.