Wednesday

I lusted for you, as I watched you, as I spoke with you....

A warm heat traveled the length of my body as my fingers delved between the delicate folds of sensitive skin, lightly stroking my aroused clit.

I pictured you, naked, hardened cock thrusting inside me.....

You stroked your cock for me, I envied you. I longed to be the reason for your arousal, the reason for your release. I longed to run my tongue up the length of your cock and taste the precum accumulating at the tip.

I longed to feel you pulsing inside me as you climaxed.....

The urgent, overwhelming need for you enveloped me, my arousal visible by the ever increasing wet spot developing on the soft pink fabric between my legs.

I adore the way I lust for you.

Wednesday

I had sex with the New Guy in the middle of his living room on the carpet this afternoon.

It was our first time.

I'm not sure what to think about him yet, he is sooooo attractive but his intelligence is limited. This is a tough one for me, I find an intelligent man so very appealing, I can say with quite a bit of certainty that I would probably choose an average looking intelligent man over an unintelligent GQ model any day.

He told me my skin was soft, that I had beautiful eyes, that I was an excellent kisser....

His actions had told me he wanted me to go down on him but I wasn't ready to do that yet, which is odd for me. I tend to be the type of woman who picks up on cues like that and submits to them.

I'm not as attracted to him as he is to me.

Sitting on his couch with my legs spread, he knelt before me, arms around me, cock pressed between my legs gently rubbing against me. He was hard, there was no mistaking it. We kissed for a long moment.

"Look at me," he requested. I opened my eyes, he was gazing intently at me, his face close enough to my own that I could feel his breath upon my lips.

I felt unnerved that he kissed with his eyes open, I felt unnerved that he, on several occasions, requested I look at him. Even during sex he wanted me to look at him.

I guess I can't understand this logic. My mind is on auto pilot when it comes to this kind of thing, certain habits are so very hard to break.

Closing my eyes would be one of those habits.

I think perhaps he may be vain, wanting to feel admired and ogled. He is a very muscular man, it is plain to see he lifts weights. He also takes great pains to keep his body hair to a minimum. I have never met a man who grooms his chest hair, and I sincerely mean he grooms his chest hair. Not only does he keep it trimmed but he uses clippers on it as well.

I am perplexed, I suppose.

On the one hand I find myself greatly attracted to T, who I might as well say is the exact opposite of the New Guy. Short, a little on the heavy side, not attractive, but he is so very smart. I can't understand how I can find myself so attracted to someone who is all of these qualities and married to boot and not be attracted to a single, body building, attractive man because I feel he has limited intellect.

I let him cum inside me, he was a little discouraged that he was unable to bring me to orgasm first. His hands were on either side of me, cupping the back of my head. As odd as this sounds, I felt scrunched when he came, each hand grasping a handful of hair pulling my head back slightly as he pushed in fiercely with his cock, holding this position for several moments.

His cum oozed out of me as he finally withdrew.

And ooze it did, thick and white, a spot the size of a quarter was on the carpet where I had previously lain.

I'm left wondering if any future meetings with him would be this awkward.

Wednesday

At T's request, I met with him in his new office.

Even though I promised myself there would be no sex involved, there was sex.

I'm surprised I haven't been turned to ash as punishment by God in a savage lightning strike of some kind.

I certainly deserve it.

The visit had started out innocently enough. I called T from my car after class on Wednesday, he requested I stop by to visit with him, it had been over a year since I had last spent any time with him. (With the exception of the brief conversation outside the social security office.)

We talked about our daughter, her birth, my pregnancy, my plans for the future. Even though I didn't say anything, I had noticed how much his appearance had changed. His hair was beginning to grey, he had put on some weight.

T had noticed how much I had changed as well. Gone was my long hair, I am now sporting a chic new shorter hairstyle that he had immediately noticed and commented several times on how pretty it looked. I purposely wore one of my nicest, sexiest outfits just to torture him.

It worked.

Maybe a little too well.... After talking for several moments he had stood up and walked over to me, leaning down, "I'm sorry [woman with a secret], I can't help how much I'm attracted to you." His right hand had cupped my left breast as he gently kissed my lips.

I turned away, but he did not relent. His lips had resumed the gentle kissing upon my neck and ear. .

I could not resist.

Before I knew it I was kissing him in return, stroking his cock with the palm of my hand. The sound of footsteps could be heard outside his door, but I did not care. Placing my hands upon his shoulders, I pulled him down to me and moaned to him I wanted more.

I wanted him to fuck me.

Smiling, he asked me what I wanted him to do, then kissed me gently on the back of the neck.

"I want you to take your pants off," I quietly demanded. In a second his pants were gone, along with any underwear he had been wearing. Taking his balls in one hand, I stroked the bare skin of his cock with the other as he kissed the top of my head.

"Let's have sex, baby," he begged me. I stood before him, my mind clouded with lust, and removed my boots while T removed my pants. His hand stroked my pussy gently through the thin material of my panties as I once again took my seat, this time sliding my fanny up to the edge of the chair.

With one leg positioned on the chair next to me, T knelt before me, pulling my panties to the side and sliding his hard cock in as far as it would go.

Damn it if I couldn't get enough of him!

I wanted so much more. With each thrust I wanted yet another one, I wrapped my right leg about his waist pulling him to me, kissed him passionately as he held me tight. My chair slid back several inches when he had begged me to cum for him, when his secretary had knocked at the locked door.

"[T]?" she was wondering what he was up to.

"Just a second," stopping momentarily, it was barely noticeable in his response that he was at the height of arousal. Except to me. I could hear it, the way he had to clear his throat twice before he answered her, the way his voice cracked during the word 'just'.

My chair slid back dramatically this time as he emptied his cock inside me. For a long moment he rested, his cock throbbing deep inside me.

"I'm going to have to go, you know. I think you have a client," I kissed his cheek as he withdrew from me, then quickly dressed and left.

I can't understand why I continue to punish myself like this.... Why do I always want the things I can not have?

The New Guy

I caught a glimpse of him staring in my direction.

He is such a beautiful man......

His bright brown eyes danced in the light of the sun. Pretending to be unaware, I accidentally 'catch' his gaze with my own, then smile shyly, sweetly. He smiles in return.

"Hi there," he is leaning down to speak quietly in my ear, his left hand is resting upon my shoulder.

"Hi," I return. His scent is absolutely captivating.

I can feel my face growing warm, blushing, unable to stop. Looking away, nervous tension prevents me from looking into his eyes.

Slowly making it's way from my shoulder to my ass, his palm cups my rear as we retreat to have a few drinks.

Playing with Fire

I have lost my mind, God help me, I can't imagine what I'm thinking!

I have been in contact with T for a couple of weeks now. It all started when we accidentally seen each other outside his office.

Last summer I decided to get a new car, something good on gas, something with a low payment because, as we all know, I lost my job in November. The only thing is, I know very little about it, still, even after 6 months of driving it, and end up 'discovering' a little perk to the car when I least expect it.

So, there I was, sitting outside the Social Security office trying to fenagle a diaper bag, a purse, a portfolio containing identification information to allow me to apply for my daughter's social security card, and a baby carrier when I accidentally hit the door lock button on the key chain. Not realizing the button had been pushed, I tried to open the driver's side door one more time to grasp a paper from the front seat.

Instant chaos.

Apparently the car is equipped with an anti theft device of some sort and when I tried to open the door the horn started blowing LOUDLY.

I had no idea what to do next. With my arms full I fumbled around with the key chain and ended up dropping it on the ground along with the portfolio containing all my documents. By now my daughter had started crying and I was about to cry myself when I felt a hand tap my shoulder and turned to find T handing me my car keys.

"Oh my God, what are you doing here?" I looked down at the baby carrier, my mind went completely blank.

"That's my office over there," he said, pointing across the street. "I got a promotion, I'm now working with outpatient services." His eyes had now averted down to the baby carrier. "I've been watching you for the past couple of minutes.... Is that her?"

"Yes." I could barely hear myself, my only instinct was to flee. Somehow I managed to get the car horn to stop and collect myself enough to think clearly again.

"[woman with a secret], I was scared. I didn't know what to do..... I haven't been able to get you off my mind. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw you over here." He seemed so genuine, he was still staring at the tiny pink bundle in the baby carrier.

"I was scared too. I think it may be hard for you, but imagine how I feel. She is going to be with me for the rest of my life, I can't just turn my back and imagine she doesn't exist." T's eyes were beginning to tear. Remorse was beginning to set in on my part.

"I'm so sorry [woman with a secret]. I would give anything to see her," he was pleading with his eyes now, his brow creased.

Carefully pulling the blanket aside, I allowed him to see her tiny little face, asleep with her right hand next to her face.

"Oh my God she's beautiful. I can't believe how beautiful she is...." he stared at her, knelt down before her, for the longest time.

I have been in contact with T ever since. While that has been the only time I've actually seen him, we have talked nearly every day.

I know this is the last thing on earth I should be doing, but, God help me, I can't stop myself.

What do you do.....

when your sex life is non existent?

I'm becoming depressed. I can feel the weight of the world baring down on me, oppressive and cruel. It has been a few years since I've felt this way, I had almost forgotten how sad my life could truly be.

I spend my days with my new daughter now that I'm not working, at least the days in which I don't have class.

I long to find the right man to be with, but I haven't the courage to do so.

Merry Christmas to Me

My naked neighbor stopped by today to see the baby and wish me a merry Christmas.

Oooh la la!

I know very little about this guy, but I do know one thing, my neighbor is quite possibly one of the most attractive men I've ever met. His wife, on the other hand, not so attractive. While I'm certain she's likely the same age as her husband, she looks an easy 10 years older then he. Perhaps it was the short grey hair, or the taper legged jeans.....

Little did she know the entire time she sat on my couch making small talk about my beautiful little angel I was sneaking glances at her husband, picturing him naked.

A Breather

I ventured out of the house yesterday for the first time since the baby was born.

It certainly did feel exhilarating.

It's amazing just how trapped and overwhelmed a woman can feel when she allows herself to be imprisoned in her home. I can see now there is no way I would ever be able to be a home maker or stay at home Mom. I would assuredly go insane.

The young guy at the car wash was flirting with me yesterday, I haven't lost my touch I see. Good to know considering it has been only 2 weeks since my daughters birth and I'm certainly not feeling all that attractive.

While I'm quite positive I wouldn't actually pursue this guy, I'm more then happy to flirt with him in order to get the fancy super wash for the price of the basic wash. The fact that he's fairly attractive doesn't hurt, either.

Mother's Little Helper

At the moment, it's Vicodin.

I miss my sleep, especially right now. My eyes are sunken in, dark circles have made a permanent appearance beneath them. My head is aching, throbbing actually, it has taken 2 vicodin to take the edge off the searing pain.

The boys have had a snow day today, my house is in a shambles right now, but I don't have the energy to pick it up. I think, for now, I'll just sit here and relax, my daughter asleep in the cradle beside me, my feet kicked up in the Lazy Boy.

I would give anything for just a little help once in a while.

The Changes

I've had my baby, a little girl. She is the cutest most precious thing in my life right now.

Yet, I am sad.

I was asleep on the couch this morning, not sure what I was dreaming about, but I awoke in tears. She was starting to rustle, hungry and in need of a change.

I started to cry even harder, not because of the baby, but because I felt as though my life was over. That suffocating, overwhelming, heavy feeling has settled in my core, I'm unable to shake it.

Lustful Need

I masturbated to fantasies of you as I showered this morning.

I'm certain you have no idea what naughty little details swirled around in my mind as I slowly caressed the delicate folds of skin between my thighs. Eyes closed, breathless, warm water pelted the length of my body as I imagined us together, as I imagined your cock deep inside me, thrusting.

As I imagined my lips upon yours, your lips upon mine.

The Wonder of Marriage

I am perpetually amazed at how ingenious my husband is at finding fault with every single thing I do. It certainly isn't easy going through life constantly reminded of your every last flaw.

The Husband and I argued over side dishes from Kentucky Fried Chicken last night. When I say argue, I mean argue, tooth and nail, screaming and crying.

He had assumed I was just going to pick up chicken, needless to say, I picked up a whole meal. Had he listened to anything I had said earlier in the day when we had actually discussed what we were going to have for dinner, the mix up would never have happened.

There in lies the problem....

It is a problem that has always been between us. To him, I am insignificant, nothing I have to say or do is ever as important as what he currently has on his mind. Several times his actions have come back to haunt me.

"Why didn't you tell me!" he normally yells when he has missed an appointment or messed up a meeting.

"What do you mean? I did tell you, that day you were......" I valiantly try to cleanse my credibility.

"Oh no you didn't, I would remember something like that!" he is condescending and arrogant by now.

"Perhaps if you would take a moment to listen to what I have to say once in a while, rather then blow me off like a fucking piece of shit, this situation would not happen!" at this I turn on my heel, tears streaming, wishing to God I could just disappear.

I knew the instant I got home it was going to be one of those moments. I could smell food smells coming from the kitchen, he had taken it upon himself to cook up some side dishes for the chicken.

The look on his face when I appeared in the kitchen with more then just chicken was a look of disgust.

"I don't know why I even bother wasting my time doing shit around here," he mumbled under his breath. "You just take the lazy way out every time anyway."

"Lazy way? Lazy way! I'm 8 months pregnant, or have you forgotten that?? I feel like I want to die most of the time to begin with, why in the hell do you think I want to stand around in a kitchen cooking for an hour after working all day?" I was furious. How dare he. I know from the depths of my soul that had I not shown up with anything but chicken, he would not have been in the kitchen making a thing. I can't help but wonder if he did this on purpose.

He was the one who wanted to come back, to make things work out. I didn't, I never did. I knew this would be the way it would be, once again. He promised it would be different, but I had heard that all before.

Straps and Safety Harnesses Required

It has to be said that the individuals I work with are each unique and bazaar in their own way, definitely worth working with on even their worst days.

With the plant closing comes long days with very little to fill them. We have been left, pretty much, to our own devices, to create work to fill our days until our last.

Probably not a good thing when it comes to 'the gang', the group of misfits I call my friends. It is only in our group we could have such stimulating conversations about safety signs and hot dogs.

While it is not in my usual character to join in on potlucks and such at work, I decided today, because there are only 2 weeks of employment left for us, that I would do just that. After carefully scanning the food and analyzing who brought what and what was safe to eat I noticed, at the end of the table, a tin foil tray full of gigantic hot dogs.

Unable to keep my thoughts to myself, I return to the lunch table we had perched at and comment about the 'ginormous' hot dogs at the end of the table.

The conversation immediately heads for the gutter.

My cube mate laughs, and comments about their 'sheer size'. D, the gay man in the group, decides to comment on how the 'buns' are cringing with fear over the magnitude of the hot dogs girth and weight.

We are laughing, hysterically, and almost don't notice a passerby has picked up part of our conversation and does not realize we are in fact being lude and crude.

"I know," she says innocently. "These are great hot dogs! You don't normally find them this big, I can barely get my mouth around them." Peels of laughter come from our table. "They are quite the value! I need to find out where they were purchased," she has started trailing off, in search of her own group of friends.

Trying very hard, I somehow manage to gather a straight face, and pull one of the manufacturing magazines from the rack sitting beside us.

"There's something missing, I think," I state. Everyone is, by now, looking intently at me, wondering just what in the heck I'm doing. It was at this point that I opened the magazine to a page I had seen previously and somehow remembered. It was a page with a giant sign that read 'Straps and Safety Harnesses Required'.

"Someone could dislocate a jaw if they're not careful, a sign like this could save a life." Unable to stop myself, I continued, "especially if they are inexperienced at having such large objects placed in their mouths."

Have camera phone, will travel.

I've been flirting again with J. Shame on me, I can't help myself. I smile to myself as I read his emails, his shameless sexual innuendo and corny jokes.

I'm secretly hoping he will leave his wife.

Today at work I was forced to entertain quite possibly the most disgusting man on earth. He was a truck driver for an independent contract carrier who has been hired to haul yet more machinery and tooling from my plant.

I can't help but wonder where they scrape these people up from.

As I sat at my desk, staring in disgust, I could literally see his entire hairy ass hanging out for the world to see.

(While I may still be suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome, the doctor has assured me the involuntary head twitching will not be permanent.)

After several scratches, and 1 finger sniff, the man eventually pulled his pants up about his waist, ending my daytime nightmare.

Luckily, as resourceful as I am, I was able to capture the entire episode on cam, passing along my grotesque find to J, as I was sure he would enjoy it as much as I.

He did.

He thinks I'm kinky.

Perhaps I am.

Through the corner of my eye.....

...I saw him standing, naked, before his bedroom window.

He is my next door neighbor, I've met him only once.

Without hesitation he turned and faced me as I drove past his window in the early morning darkness.

Could he see me openly staring at him?

My thoughts immediately switched to sex, sex with him in particular. What I wouldn't have given for a ride on that long, hard, chiseled cock I was fantasizing about.

And the glass was half empty......

I'm working late tonight, I do most nights anymore. I don't want to go home. The sound of a pen clicking a few cubicles down has been driving me crazy for the past 5 minutes.

The bull pen is so empty these days..... Most of my coworkers have already found new employment, but a handful of us still remain. I look at them and wonder, at times, what will become of them. For 11 years I've worked with most of them, it's sad to see our final days have drawn close.

I still can't believe, even after all my company has been through, that they have made the decision to close down my plant.

I'm fairly certain I couldn't get more miserable.

Physically miserable with pregnancy related aches and pains, emotionally miserable at the thought that I shall soon be pregnant and jobless, miserable right to the core living a life that I don't want to live.

I feel alone.

The funny thing is, nobody notices. I smile my fake smile and spread my pretend cheer, I listen to others as they reveal their problems to me, I offer support even when I'm so overwhelmed I can barely breathe.

The Lure of a Pregnant Belly

I find it completely unnerving how people want to 'touch' my belly all the time.

By 'touch' I mean stand before me with both hands groping and feeling my belly for several moments in hopes of feeling movement of some kind.

All of this, I might add, without even one request for consent.

Thank God I have only 2 more months to go.

This morning I was approached by one of my fellow coworkers, a 350lb dufus who is not only completely unable to keep his pants around his waist but also unable to find a t-shirt to cover his ginormous belly.

Immediately he is inquiring about my health, telling me how pregnant women are the most beautiful creatures on earth.

If I could have, I would have completely disappeared from the face of the earth.

I smiled, thanked him for the compliment, and tried my best to escape to my desk.

Just the thought of him laying a finger on me is enough to give me nightmares for the rest of my life.

I'm Back

Because I have used this blog as an outlet to my thoughts, fears, and experiences, I feel as thought I need to once again utilize my one and only means of unburdening my soul.

I am now 7 months pregnant, and completely miserable. I carry the secret of my child's birth father with me, and probably will for the rest of my life. I am unable to, make that unwilling to contact him, for any reason, a fact that has probably made the birth fathers life increasingly easy.

Unfortunately it has made my life a complete misery. With the identity of my child's father a complete mystery to everyone, it has become an unending quest for anyone who knows me to unconsciously pull any form of information that may lead to an answer from me.

I have become quite ingenioius with my responses, I must say. To date, my best response came last week. One of my good friends, a flaming gay engineer who I work with, and I were chatting with the receptionist in the front office when she asked me, quite bluntly, who the father was.

"Why, it's D, here, didn't you hear?" I replied, placing my head on his shoulder. The look on her face was priceless, but, I must say, the look on D's face was even better.

Odd as it is to say, I have grown to respect my friendship with J. While he and I had only the brief fling, he has remained my friend through this all. Emailing me regularly to ask me about 'his critter', I know he feels genuine concern, something nobody else does. I do find it odd, however, that he always refers to my child as his own.

Perhaps he wishes it could be......

Alas the cards were not stacked in that direction. A harlott I can be, but I would not break up anothers marriage for my own sake. If J were to become single, once again, I would entertain the thought. As long as he is married, however, I must stay hands off, I respect our friendship much to much to cause such pain and turmoil.

I do not hear from R at all anymore. It is my own doing, that I know. I pushed him away, and, away he went. I sometimes wonder just how things would have turned out had I went to Atlana with him, when he had asked me.

I try my best not to dwell.

But it's so hard, I think of him often.

I think of R when I'm sitting at home, wondering why in the heck, as I watch my husband, did I take my husband back? I am miserable with him, yet I allowed him back into my life.

Was I scared?

Was I lonely?

I can't explain it.

I do know he needs me more then I will ever need him. He clings to me, I feel, because I am strong. He feeds on my strength.

Our sex life is non existant, I am aware that I will undoubtedly find a new playmate once this child has been born.

This time, I will be much more aware of what I'm doing.

Can pregnant be sexy?

Perhaps I have too much time on my hands tonight.... I find myself sitting here, depressed, shopping online for maternity wear.

At just 10 weeks I'm already outgrowing all of my clothing. It is visibly apparent I'm sporting a baby bump, I can only imagine what I'm going to look like full term.

I have often wondered what men think when they see a pregnant woman. In the case of my husband, he always seen me as 'untouchable'. He treated me like glass, careful and delicate, afraid the slightest touch would do harm. I found myself always wanting more, a firm touch, passionate sex, the feeling of lustful desire.

The urges do not disappear just because a life is growing within you, in fact, they become more intense.

I worry about what lies before me and how my life will undoubtedly change.

It is Official

I am with child.

As much as I dreaded the thought, I ended up telling T about the pregnancy on Friday. So many things passed through my mind as I was doing so, my emotions have gotten the better of me these past few weeks I must say.

Then I slept with him.

I have no idea what I was thinking......

As I was laying on the bed, my back to his retreating form, he called to me over his shoulder as he entered the bathroom. He had asked me if I was certain I was pregnant because I had started bleeding while we were having sex.

Disbelief in my voice, I asked him if he were sure. Pointing out a bloody penis to me, he told me he was sure. Instant terror gripped me, he seemed completely unconcerned. I have not heard from him since.

It was the vigorous sex that had caused the bleeding, I'm quite certain. I have not exhibied the bleeding since.

Even the smartest and best of us make unwise decisions at time.

One thing about Friday did make me smile, however. In an email conversation with J I had revealed I was praying for a girl this time. He had replied back that he hoped it would be a girl too and that she would inherit my beautiful laugh.

I do miss J more then he knows.