Merry Christmas to Me

My naked neighbor stopped by today to see the baby and wish me a merry Christmas.

Oooh la la!

I know very little about this guy, but I do know one thing, my neighbor is quite possibly one of the most attractive men I've ever met. His wife, on the other hand, not so attractive. While I'm certain she's likely the same age as her husband, she looks an easy 10 years older then he. Perhaps it was the short grey hair, or the taper legged jeans.....

Little did she know the entire time she sat on my couch making small talk about my beautiful little angel I was sneaking glances at her husband, picturing him naked.

A Breather

I ventured out of the house yesterday for the first time since the baby was born.

It certainly did feel exhilarating.

It's amazing just how trapped and overwhelmed a woman can feel when she allows herself to be imprisoned in her home. I can see now there is no way I would ever be able to be a home maker or stay at home Mom. I would assuredly go insane.

The young guy at the car wash was flirting with me yesterday, I haven't lost my touch I see. Good to know considering it has been only 2 weeks since my daughters birth and I'm certainly not feeling all that attractive.

While I'm quite positive I wouldn't actually pursue this guy, I'm more then happy to flirt with him in order to get the fancy super wash for the price of the basic wash. The fact that he's fairly attractive doesn't hurt, either.

Mother's Little Helper

At the moment, it's Vicodin.

I miss my sleep, especially right now. My eyes are sunken in, dark circles have made a permanent appearance beneath them. My head is aching, throbbing actually, it has taken 2 vicodin to take the edge off the searing pain.

The boys have had a snow day today, my house is in a shambles right now, but I don't have the energy to pick it up. I think, for now, I'll just sit here and relax, my daughter asleep in the cradle beside me, my feet kicked up in the Lazy Boy.

I would give anything for just a little help once in a while.

The Changes

I've had my baby, a little girl. She is the cutest most precious thing in my life right now.

Yet, I am sad.

I was asleep on the couch this morning, not sure what I was dreaming about, but I awoke in tears. She was starting to rustle, hungry and in need of a change.

I started to cry even harder, not because of the baby, but because I felt as though my life was over. That suffocating, overwhelming, heavy feeling has settled in my core, I'm unable to shake it.

Lustful Need

I masturbated to fantasies of you as I showered this morning.

I'm certain you have no idea what naughty little details swirled around in my mind as I slowly caressed the delicate folds of skin between my thighs. Eyes closed, breathless, warm water pelted the length of my body as I imagined us together, as I imagined your cock deep inside me, thrusting.

As I imagined my lips upon yours, your lips upon mine.

The Wonder of Marriage

I am perpetually amazed at how ingenious my husband is at finding fault with every single thing I do. It certainly isn't easy going through life constantly reminded of your every last flaw.

The Husband and I argued over side dishes from Kentucky Fried Chicken last night. When I say argue, I mean argue, tooth and nail, screaming and crying.

He had assumed I was just going to pick up chicken, needless to say, I picked up a whole meal. Had he listened to anything I had said earlier in the day when we had actually discussed what we were going to have for dinner, the mix up would never have happened.

There in lies the problem....

It is a problem that has always been between us. To him, I am insignificant, nothing I have to say or do is ever as important as what he currently has on his mind. Several times his actions have come back to haunt me.

"Why didn't you tell me!" he normally yells when he has missed an appointment or messed up a meeting.

"What do you mean? I did tell you, that day you were......" I valiantly try to cleanse my credibility.

"Oh no you didn't, I would remember something like that!" he is condescending and arrogant by now.

"Perhaps if you would take a moment to listen to what I have to say once in a while, rather then blow me off like a fucking piece of shit, this situation would not happen!" at this I turn on my heel, tears streaming, wishing to God I could just disappear.

I knew the instant I got home it was going to be one of those moments. I could smell food smells coming from the kitchen, he had taken it upon himself to cook up some side dishes for the chicken.

The look on his face when I appeared in the kitchen with more then just chicken was a look of disgust.

"I don't know why I even bother wasting my time doing shit around here," he mumbled under his breath. "You just take the lazy way out every time anyway."

"Lazy way? Lazy way! I'm 8 months pregnant, or have you forgotten that?? I feel like I want to die most of the time to begin with, why in the hell do you think I want to stand around in a kitchen cooking for an hour after working all day?" I was furious. How dare he. I know from the depths of my soul that had I not shown up with anything but chicken, he would not have been in the kitchen making a thing. I can't help but wonder if he did this on purpose.

He was the one who wanted to come back, to make things work out. I didn't, I never did. I knew this would be the way it would be, once again. He promised it would be different, but I had heard that all before.

Straps and Safety Harnesses Required

It has to be said that the individuals I work with are each unique and bazaar in their own way, definitely worth working with on even their worst days.

With the plant closing comes long days with very little to fill them. We have been left, pretty much, to our own devices, to create work to fill our days until our last.

Probably not a good thing when it comes to 'the gang', the group of misfits I call my friends. It is only in our group we could have such stimulating conversations about safety signs and hot dogs.

While it is not in my usual character to join in on potlucks and such at work, I decided today, because there are only 2 weeks of employment left for us, that I would do just that. After carefully scanning the food and analyzing who brought what and what was safe to eat I noticed, at the end of the table, a tin foil tray full of gigantic hot dogs.

Unable to keep my thoughts to myself, I return to the lunch table we had perched at and comment about the 'ginormous' hot dogs at the end of the table.

The conversation immediately heads for the gutter.

My cube mate laughs, and comments about their 'sheer size'. D, the gay man in the group, decides to comment on how the 'buns' are cringing with fear over the magnitude of the hot dogs girth and weight.

We are laughing, hysterically, and almost don't notice a passerby has picked up part of our conversation and does not realize we are in fact being lude and crude.

"I know," she says innocently. "These are great hot dogs! You don't normally find them this big, I can barely get my mouth around them." Peels of laughter come from our table. "They are quite the value! I need to find out where they were purchased," she has started trailing off, in search of her own group of friends.

Trying very hard, I somehow manage to gather a straight face, and pull one of the manufacturing magazines from the rack sitting beside us.

"There's something missing, I think," I state. Everyone is, by now, looking intently at me, wondering just what in the heck I'm doing. It was at this point that I opened the magazine to a page I had seen previously and somehow remembered. It was a page with a giant sign that read 'Straps and Safety Harnesses Required'.

"Someone could dislocate a jaw if they're not careful, a sign like this could save a life." Unable to stop myself, I continued, "especially if they are inexperienced at having such large objects placed in their mouths."

Have camera phone, will travel.

I've been flirting again with J. Shame on me, I can't help myself. I smile to myself as I read his emails, his shameless sexual innuendo and corny jokes.

I'm secretly hoping he will leave his wife.

Today at work I was forced to entertain quite possibly the most disgusting man on earth. He was a truck driver for an independent contract carrier who has been hired to haul yet more machinery and tooling from my plant.

I can't help but wonder where they scrape these people up from.

As I sat at my desk, staring in disgust, I could literally see his entire hairy ass hanging out for the world to see.

(While I may still be suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome, the doctor has assured me the involuntary head twitching will not be permanent.)

After several scratches, and 1 finger sniff, the man eventually pulled his pants up about his waist, ending my daytime nightmare.

Luckily, as resourceful as I am, I was able to capture the entire episode on cam, passing along my grotesque find to J, as I was sure he would enjoy it as much as I.

He did.

He thinks I'm kinky.

Perhaps I am.

Through the corner of my eye.....

...I saw him standing, naked, before his bedroom window.

He is my next door neighbor, I've met him only once.

Without hesitation he turned and faced me as I drove past his window in the early morning darkness.

Could he see me openly staring at him?

My thoughts immediately switched to sex, sex with him in particular. What I wouldn't have given for a ride on that long, hard, chiseled cock I was fantasizing about.

And the glass was half empty......

I'm working late tonight, I do most nights anymore. I don't want to go home. The sound of a pen clicking a few cubicles down has been driving me crazy for the past 5 minutes.

The bull pen is so empty these days..... Most of my coworkers have already found new employment, but a handful of us still remain. I look at them and wonder, at times, what will become of them. For 11 years I've worked with most of them, it's sad to see our final days have drawn close.

I still can't believe, even after all my company has been through, that they have made the decision to close down my plant.

I'm fairly certain I couldn't get more miserable.

Physically miserable with pregnancy related aches and pains, emotionally miserable at the thought that I shall soon be pregnant and jobless, miserable right to the core living a life that I don't want to live.

I feel alone.

The funny thing is, nobody notices. I smile my fake smile and spread my pretend cheer, I listen to others as they reveal their problems to me, I offer support even when I'm so overwhelmed I can barely breathe.

The Lure of a Pregnant Belly

I find it completely unnerving how people want to 'touch' my belly all the time.

By 'touch' I mean stand before me with both hands groping and feeling my belly for several moments in hopes of feeling movement of some kind.

All of this, I might add, without even one request for consent.

Thank God I have only 2 more months to go.

This morning I was approached by one of my fellow coworkers, a 350lb dufus who is not only completely unable to keep his pants around his waist but also unable to find a t-shirt to cover his ginormous belly.

Immediately he is inquiring about my health, telling me how pregnant women are the most beautiful creatures on earth.

If I could have, I would have completely disappeared from the face of the earth.

I smiled, thanked him for the compliment, and tried my best to escape to my desk.

Just the thought of him laying a finger on me is enough to give me nightmares for the rest of my life.

I'm Back

Because I have used this blog as an outlet to my thoughts, fears, and experiences, I feel as thought I need to once again utilize my one and only means of unburdening my soul.

I am now 7 months pregnant, and completely miserable. I carry the secret of my child's birth father with me, and probably will for the rest of my life. I am unable to, make that unwilling to contact him, for any reason, a fact that has probably made the birth fathers life increasingly easy.

Unfortunately it has made my life a complete misery. With the identity of my child's father a complete mystery to everyone, it has become an unending quest for anyone who knows me to unconsciously pull any form of information that may lead to an answer from me.

I have become quite ingenioius with my responses, I must say. To date, my best response came last week. One of my good friends, a flaming gay engineer who I work with, and I were chatting with the receptionist in the front office when she asked me, quite bluntly, who the father was.

"Why, it's D, here, didn't you hear?" I replied, placing my head on his shoulder. The look on her face was priceless, but, I must say, the look on D's face was even better.

Odd as it is to say, I have grown to respect my friendship with J. While he and I had only the brief fling, he has remained my friend through this all. Emailing me regularly to ask me about 'his critter', I know he feels genuine concern, something nobody else does. I do find it odd, however, that he always refers to my child as his own.

Perhaps he wishes it could be......

Alas the cards were not stacked in that direction. A harlott I can be, but I would not break up anothers marriage for my own sake. If J were to become single, once again, I would entertain the thought. As long as he is married, however, I must stay hands off, I respect our friendship much to much to cause such pain and turmoil.

I do not hear from R at all anymore. It is my own doing, that I know. I pushed him away, and, away he went. I sometimes wonder just how things would have turned out had I went to Atlana with him, when he had asked me.

I try my best not to dwell.

But it's so hard, I think of him often.

I think of R when I'm sitting at home, wondering why in the heck, as I watch my husband, did I take my husband back? I am miserable with him, yet I allowed him back into my life.

Was I scared?

Was I lonely?

I can't explain it.

I do know he needs me more then I will ever need him. He clings to me, I feel, because I am strong. He feeds on my strength.

Our sex life is non existant, I am aware that I will undoubtedly find a new playmate once this child has been born.

This time, I will be much more aware of what I'm doing.

Can pregnant be sexy?

Perhaps I have too much time on my hands tonight.... I find myself sitting here, depressed, shopping online for maternity wear.

At just 10 weeks I'm already outgrowing all of my clothing. It is visibly apparent I'm sporting a baby bump, I can only imagine what I'm going to look like full term.

I have often wondered what men think when they see a pregnant woman. In the case of my husband, he always seen me as 'untouchable'. He treated me like glass, careful and delicate, afraid the slightest touch would do harm. I found myself always wanting more, a firm touch, passionate sex, the feeling of lustful desire.

The urges do not disappear just because a life is growing within you, in fact, they become more intense.

I worry about what lies before me and how my life will undoubtedly change.

It is Official

I am with child.

As much as I dreaded the thought, I ended up telling T about the pregnancy on Friday. So many things passed through my mind as I was doing so, my emotions have gotten the better of me these past few weeks I must say.

Then I slept with him.

I have no idea what I was thinking......

As I was laying on the bed, my back to his retreating form, he called to me over his shoulder as he entered the bathroom. He had asked me if I was certain I was pregnant because I had started bleeding while we were having sex.

Disbelief in my voice, I asked him if he were sure. Pointing out a bloody penis to me, he told me he was sure. Instant terror gripped me, he seemed completely unconcerned. I have not heard from him since.

It was the vigorous sex that had caused the bleeding, I'm quite certain. I have not exhibied the bleeding since.

Even the smartest and best of us make unwise decisions at time.

One thing about Friday did make me smile, however. In an email conversation with J I had revealed I was praying for a girl this time. He had replied back that he hoped it would be a girl too and that she would inherit my beautiful laugh.

I do miss J more then he knows.

An End

I have broken things off with T....

It did not end well, I have decided to keep my suspected health situation to myself. Although I am now quite certain I am indeed pregnant, I have chosen to keep this knowledge to myself until I have officially visited my obgyn next Wednesday.

Bored on a Saturday

I am so very bored today.....

I'm not liking this at all. While at first I was captivated by T, I am now slightly disillusioned to the whole thing.

Perhaps I am selfish, perhaps I am not, either way, I want more. I want more then just his spare time, I want his full attention.

Something I can not have.

It's time for me to move on, time to find the individual who can inspire me to write again, or at the very least, time to find someone who will give me something to write about.

This may be put on hold, however, for this morning I had symptoms of morning sickness. Even though the pregnancy tests had returned a negative response, I have yet to start my period, and I am now feeling ill in the morning hours.

Happy HNT

From the corner of my eye......

I see you watching me, discreetly.

I wonder what you are thinking, your chair turned ever so slightly in my direction. I see your reflection in the monitor before me, head turned, gazing in my direction. Nobody is around, but you do not have the courage to talk to me.

I take advantage of the situation.

On 'accident' my pen falls beside my chair, the side facing you. I lean down, absently, to retrieve the pen, my peasant blouse falling away exposing a good portion of my breasts to you. I know you are looking, I know you have seen, your breathing has given you away. It is now louder, deeper.

I turn back to my monitor in time to see your reflection stand quickly and leave quietly.

To where, I can only guess, as I smile into my own reflection on the monitor before me.

Just a Peek at the Lady with a Secret

The Handsome Stranger

I find myself attracted to someone I have never met, someone whom I've only once spoken briefly to on the phone, someone whom I've only seen in a photo.

But it has happened.

He reads this blog, this is how we first met. In a sweet little email he contacted me one day, telling me how much he liked my writing, my pictures. I couldn't help but reply back, intrigued, curious to hear more. Months have now gone by, with each passing day I wonder how he is, what he is doing.

I do not tell him this.

Instead I flirt with him, tease him, tell him about my day. I smile when he responds in turn, wishing for just a little more.

Maybe one day I will get my chance to have, just a little more.

(Yes, Cabana Boy, this post is about you.)

Tasty Tuesday

I flashed him my wicked little smile, kneeling before him, slowly smoothing my hand over the hardening bulge in the front of his slacks.

"God I've missed you," his words were barely audible as he sat with his head back, eyes shut.

"I've missed you too," I replied, gently squeezing his cock and stroking through the material of his slacks.

Leaning into me, his hands traveled up the length of my body, beneath my silk top, resting finally upon the soft skin of my breasts, kneading them in his palms.

"You have the most fantastic titties," he laughed, smiling mischievously at me, pinching my nipples between his thumb and forefingers.

"Why, thank you Handsome," flinging my blouse to the other side of his office, I leaned in and kissed him hard upon the lips. Unable to hold out any longer, I quickly stripped him naked, eager to fuck him silly.

"I want to feel that wet pussy," he moaned, my mouth sliding up and down the length of his cock.

Standing before him, I quickly removed the remainder of my clothes before finally sitting upon his lap, facing him, legs spread to each side of him.

Aching desperately for him, my back arched dramatically as he slowly slid his finger between the folds of my skin.

"You're so wet baby," he whispered, his lips traveled across my neck and chest before finding their way to my own.

"I'm wet for you baby," my hips thrust into his hand, my teeth biting gently at his lower lip, my right hand slowly stroking his ever hardening cock.

A Sweet Little Note

(the below text taken from an email from T this morning)

HI baby,
I really miss you terribly
and am dieing to see you. I hope to hear from you.
T

I'm dying to see him as well, it has been 2 weeks since we were together last. 2 weeks of hunger, 2 weeks of lust, 2 weeks of want.

Our meeting Tuesday is an eternity away.

Prognosis Negative

While I am absolutely relieved that I am indeed, NOT pregnant, I'm baffled at the same time.

It is now 11 days past due, and no period in sight. No PMS, no nothing.

So, here I sit, on a sunny Sunday afternoon, researching possible causes of my missed period. I know it isn't menopause, I'm only 32 years old. I'm not pregnant, both tests, taken on 2 separate days, have both come back negative. I'm at a loss.

I have read an article, however, that has given me a plausible reason for my missed period.

Stress.

Believe it or not, a woman who is under great amounts of stress will from time to time miss her menstrual flow. As wacky as this sounds, I am prone to believe this theory. I have been under so much stress for the past few weeks that I've literally reached the point of insanity and somehow made my way back.

Only time will tell, I am eager to see what next month brings.

Fear

I believe I may be in trouble. And.... not the good kind.

Because T is still shooting live rounds, I have taken it upon myself to ensure I can not get pregnant by our secret meetings. Twice now I have gone to the doctor on the precise day required for the birth control shot, up until this moment, everything had gone according to clockwork.

Until this month.

I have missed my period and fear the worst. Even though I have yet to take a home pregnancy test, I know something is wrong. Every month, beginning the month I got my first shot, I have started my period within the first 4 days of the month. It is now day 7 and PMS signs are nowhere in sight.

At first I believed February's short month had thrown off my schedule. It is now the 7th and I no longer believe this to be the case. I cross my fingers and hope for the best but I fear the worst.

Tomorrow I shall officially put my fears to rest. I will be purchasing a home pregnancy test and facing my fears.

Anyone who may still be reading this blog, please cross your fingers for me.