I've decided to make this a post because it was really such an intense question and deserves an honest response. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about the things that I do, I do that on purpose. I know that it is wrong that I have been consumed by an affair for more then a year now. If I think about it, it guilts me. Not enough to make me stop, just enough to make me consider giving it up.
The first time I cheated on anyone was when I was 22 years old. I had been with my husband for 3 years, he was gone frequently on trips and such leaving me home alone for days at a time. I had remained in contact with my ex-boyfriend and he would check up on me often, at the request of my husband. The 2 of them were very good friends.
On one such occasion I was having a very bad day. I don't recall the circumstances now, but I remember my oldest son (then 2) was not feeling well and I was feeling sad and scared and alone. The ex had stopped by and seen the state I was in. He offered to watch my oldest for an hour or two so I could lay down and take a nap. I did. When I awoke several hours had passed and it was getting late into the evening.
He started to tell me he was worried about me and had been for some time. I wasn't myself anymore. He was right, I knew it. My husbands moods had changed my personality, I've never been that person again. It was soon time for me to put my oldest to bed, which I did, and continued the conversation after. Ex had never stopped caring about me even after we broke up, which we had done mutually because of various reasons.
One thing led to another and we started to kiss. In the middle of the livingroom of my husbands house I was kissing another man. I craved the attention of a man, his attention. We made love and it was so sweet. When it was through, and I laid there on the couch with him, I began to think about what had happened. I sat up and tears streamed down my cheeks. He apologized, and hugged me, and asked me not to cry.
To be totally honest, that was probably one of the lowest feelings I had ever felt in my life. It wasn't until R that I ventured down that road again. Loneliness has a way of changing a persons perspective over time. What had almost emotionally killed me at 22 was not so traumatic at 29. My husband is a good person and deserves a good life, my children do as well. I would never tear this up because of my own selfish wants.
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3 comments:
I can only tell you what I did bored. I don't know if it was right or wrong or if I made the right decision, but it is what I did.
I never said a word. I didn't want to hurt my husband, and I had a 2 year old son. I didn't want to ruin the friendship between my husband and the ex. On many many occasions I thought about what had happened. Only once did he bring it up after. It had been a few years and he asked me if I still remembered what we had done. I told him I did, it was likely something I would not forget. He had agreed with me, then told me I was a good person. It pulled at my heart strings. The year I had my second child he died of a heart attack. He literally died on the 9th anniversary of our one night stand affair.
How has the affair gone with R? Is it over now? Did you end it or did he?
I would never tell. Why? To seek closure for myself? And in the process devastate my spouse?
At this moment I might tell, because it is an indicator of how out of love I am. However, if I intended to try to salvage the relationship, I would not tell...just leave it to be my own torture to deal with.
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